I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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