At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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