A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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