I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
