I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
