What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
