Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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