shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My ass is underappreciated
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
