Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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