hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
