How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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