i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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