just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
