I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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