I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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