I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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