just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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