I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
