No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
