Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
