omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
