sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
