Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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