I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
