I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
