Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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