I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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