He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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