I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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