I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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