I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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