Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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