Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
