Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
