then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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