HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Your mouth is God's brothel.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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