I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
