Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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