WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
