i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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