Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You're like the curious george of whores
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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