I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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