Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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