That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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