I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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