god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
