If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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