true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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