Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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