Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
