if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
