Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
