I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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