So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
